Ruminations and Ramblings

Take what you want and leave the rest.

What’s Next?

November 7, 2024 / / 0 Comments

In April, I made the decision to quit my job. I was done. I was confident that my experience would make for another easy transition onto a new role as it had each previous time, but I wasn’t prepared for this.

Since 2017, every step I thought I was taking forward has seemingly just put me behind. Being a Project Manager in Factory Automation and Material Handling with a BS in Technology Education already made me feel like a fish out of water. Luckily for me, I was provided opportunities with two very different organizations that helped build my professional foundation.

The semester before graduation, I attended a Christmas Party with my wife, girlfriend at the time, and was introduced to a local business leader who convinced me to pursue a career in the private industry and would be willing to give me an opportunity. I couldn’t pass it up. The opportunity to be back home with friends and family, make more money than I would in public education, not have to student teach, or try to find a teaching job made it a no brainer. The short term goal was to be a Project Manager, where I spent that second semester trying to find some confidence. I eventually was able to draw the parallels between a Project Manager and an Educator, of which there are many, and how to apply the skills I was taught in college and apply them differently. Developing a curriculum and gathering inputs to produce a deliverable, on schedule, with quality, to stakeholders both internal and external.

I spent the first six months out on the road installing radio frequency and magnetic shielding for MRI’s in healthcare facilities from Mayo Clinic to Seattle Children’s Hospital. I learned a ton. The next year was spent utilizing my AutoCad skills in the drafting department. I learned how to be an effective engineer, how to be organized and communicate with other departments and project stakeholders. From 2008-2012, I moved into a Project management where I managed projects all over the country, but primarily on the West Coast, where a I was fortunate enough to experience working in seismic zones and going through the permitting processes working with external PE’s and governing bodies. Looking back on those six years, it was kind of a paid internship and I still carry a lot of the lessons with me. I’m thankful for those that were tough on me as much as I am for those that passed on their knowledge and experience that I still carry to this day. It was also my first job out of college and there reached a point where my confidence exceeded my humility and value to the organization. Lesson learned.

That foundation provided an opportunity to hone into the skill of being a project manager over the next five and a half years. I was sent to the HQ in Sweden for “Basic training” where I learned about the company; the history, the technology theory, the business structure, the roles and responsibilities, the culture, the goals, etc. The following TWO weeks were “PM Basic” where I, with a mix of PM’s from other global business units, learned “How to work on a project.” It was a workshop, where we went through the project workflow, from kick-off through sign-off. Writing the Project charters and SOW’s, with business managers, engineers, manufacturing leads and experienced field installation resources in the room to support, and where everyone had the same expectations. We as Project Managers, who required managing deliverables requiring every department in the building, were considered a part of the “leadership group”. I was fortunate to be on the Quality Team where we executed regular quality audits for ISO Certification, developed processes, CAPA’s and executed other organizational improvement efforts such as 5S and Kaizan events. I served on the building maintenance team as well, where we evaluated capital improvements and maintained maintenance programs.

The benefit of being involved and having the ability to see the organization from that 30K foot view was invaluable. I understood why, as a project manager, I was was required to do the things I was required to do, with the inputs I was provided, to satisfy the employment agreement. I knew, and understood the sales process and the inputs required for generating proposals, in turn, a PO, of which I was better able to manage my projects. My role as a Project Manger was defined to the execution phase of the project. Simple. I was not an engineer, I was a project manager. Project managers were not authorized to have AutoCad. I could mark-up drawings for design reviews, and present them to the team for approval, and then the engineer would create a drawing revision, which was then presented to the client, engaging a change process and so on. I knew my budgets, and the how and why’s behind them. I had access to the calc tools, but couldn’t save anything. I could play with them and see how I could more effectively execute to increase profitability in pursuit of the greater goals and mission of the organization. I managed resources and coordinated with leadership to prioritize and execute effectively, not only my own projects, but with a voice and trust in my leadership to provide guidance and support. I wrote RFQ’s for suppliers and I understand what information is required to get the most accurate pricing. I also understand how to manage supplier relationships required to get the most competitive pricing while maintaining quality, satisfying not only client specifications, but also meeting the organizational requirements as defined by the quality team, of which I was a member of. I had an understanding of the manufacturing process, and what deliverables were required for manufacturing resources to execute to their defined job roles to meet the defined expectations. Being a part of the quality team, which was supported and valued in actively executing with continuous improvement focus, allowed me to be a part of a team in seeking to eliminate waste and increase productivity. Simple.

Now, from a project manager perspective executing the process, supported by a quality system, I had expectations to meet. I had specific templates for specific things, and there were specific places for specific documents and specific levers to pull to get specific things to happen. It was really well executed and looking back, I took a lot for granted with that company in that it’s not that easy to maintain, let alone develop a basic backbone. I’ve learned to appreciate how beneficial that experience was in my career. I reached a point where I had to move on as I had reached a ceiling. I also had a growing family and needed to pursue other opportunities and bring home more bacon.

Towards the end of that time, I had taken courses at the local community college to obtain my PMP certification. I completed the course, received the certificate and scheduled my exam. I woke that morning with a horrible cold and drove into the city. I was stressed and anxious, which resulted in a failed exam. Life and workload became the priority and I gave it up.

I was brought into an organization’s service department to manage large service projects and equipment upgrades in the Pharmaceutical arena. This was a new department and so far, only had a manager and a few “internal sales” resources handling these and they needed a bit more experience. While I would have preferred working on capital projects, I was most looking forward to being on the ground floor of a department and build it. I had three managers in seven months and service projects were not a priority. I wasn’t ACTIVELY seeking a move, but I started casually browsing and answering the phone when recruiters called.

A timely call brought me back into the automotive industry as I was recruited by a local company to manage large automated paint systems. It was awesome and I had the opportunity to reconnect with former colleagues as well as work on some really cool projects with great people. I was the lead PM on a $40M dollar project for a start-up EV manufacturer. It was the biggest project I’d ever managed. Unfortunately, my company filed for insolvency midway through the project and the contract was cancelled upon completion of the engineering phase. The pandemic hit a few month later and I was back on the market.

Out of necessity, and a bit of interest and experience from Marking and Coding applications in my past, I took on a role as a PM executing projects for food and beverage, packaging and pharmaceutical industries supplying marking and coding equipment (CIJ and Laser) for quality and tracking. Cool stuff, and great experience however, it wasn’t for me. I preferred larger projects and I didn’t feel I had the support to execute effectively and consistently over time. It was a larger organization, I was working remotely at the time (for the first time ever) and at this point and I just didn’t feel connected with my colleagues. It just didn’t feel right and people were coming and going. I flipped my “Open to work” and let it ride.

Two weeks later, I was having my second interview with an integrator in the material handling space. They were a growing organization and had needed experienced Senior PM’s to come on board and develop a system as everything was pretty much ad hoc at that point. I mean, it was wild. I never had a consistent project team and I struggled to get anything accomplished. What I had quickly discovered was that they really had no intention to develop any sort of system. They needed experienced PM’s who were able to use their experience to navigate through the bullshit. The simplest of suggestions were dismissed and the communication was less than stellar.

I started this gig in October of 2022. On March 6th, I woke up deaf in my left ear, which you can read more about here (https://dougstrid.com/?m=202306). Professionally, I was scared shitless. I had an invisible injury (disability) that had a serious affect on my job performance. I told my managers about it and the impacts it had on my work and what I required. They never asked for Dr’s notes or anything. They said “ok”, went to HR, came back and said that I could go on disability or “carry on”. Seriously? I felt I didn’t have many options and in reflection, I should have done a lot more to protect myself. I didn’t have the resources or know what to do at the time so I just put my head down and pushed through, like 95% of the population probably does. In November, I received my Cochlear Implant, which would eventually help, but takes time. I’m not sure how to explain it other than I was a professional juggler and I had a more difficult time keeping all the balls in the air. I also didn’t have the support to keep them from hitting the ground and I eventually became the scapegoat. I tried, I really did.

So today, I sit in a Starbucks almost 30 weeks later trying to figure out what I’m going to do. I doom-scroll job postings everyday finding things I’m qualified for, and may be able to do, but I’m scared to put myself in the same position. I’ve had DOZENS of interviews but I’m not getting offers, or feedback which is frustrating. I think I’m having a hard time interviewing. This has never been an issue for me in the past. If I got in the door, I had the job, every time. Not the case anymore as I think my disability is interfering. I have some short term memory issues and I have a hard time recalling specific situations. I try to anticipate and write things down, but I can predict everything I’m going to be asked. It’s frustrating.

I’ve already been turned down due to work tenure, however had I not had those opportunities, I wouldn’t have gained the experience I have. It’s allowed me to understand WHY processes and tools are important. Eliminating the ambiguity and having checklists and a system of milestones and tollgates simplifies the administrative work and allows for more efforts and creativity for increasing profitability. It’s also beneficial in training and growth. Personally, with my health issue, I would benefit greatly from a defined PM workflow system. I never really made that connection until recently and that has become my focus.


I’d like to find a role in organizational leadership, in a small to mid size organization in the design-build, automation world. I cannot think of another role in an organization that has more connections and requires more organizational involvement from different departments than a Project manager. From sales to service, tell me what other role is required to interact directly with as many stakeholders.

I’d like to execute continuous improvement efforts, safety programs, seek opportunities to eliminate waste, increase workplace efficiencies, support projects and problem solve. To manage resources and prioritize To step in when others need help, execute specific project tasks if required, perform site visits and lead others. I enjoy traveling and building relationships. I, and many others have been in situations where we suffer in silence. My goal is to eliminate that.

I don’t know where I’m going to find my next role, or if it will find me, but I am anxiously waiting.

-Be Kind

Doug

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dougstrid/

Mountains, and Mountains of Nonsense

November 1, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I started writing this last a few weeks ago, four days after catching up with work stuff and thinking about how I wanted to share my previous weeks experience with the intent of dedicating myself to accomplishing something and feeling inspired. It didn’t really go as I had hoped. I had just returned the previous evening from a work trip. Just a night with meetings in Indiana and Ohio but the drive home from Columbus on a Friday afternoon around Chicago is rough. I spent a LOT of time in my head. Not only was that hamster wheel spinning but I couldn’t manage all the hamsters. I had the weekend free but then had to catch a 7am flight to LA Monday morning for two meetings out there. Since I had a lot on my plate after being gone for a week, I thought it’d be a good idea to just take the red-eye and get home and perhaps get some shut eye on the flight. I missed being home and just didn’t want to spend another night in a hotel after being gone so long. I landed at 5am and got home just in time to deliver donuts and coffee to the girls, then back to standard operations. Meetings all morning and just a LOT to do. I’m still exhausted but I needed to dedicate some time on the keyboard.

In struggling to find the means to communicate this experience in a meaningful way, I recalled a conversation one evening on the trip with one of the guys. He was telling a story involving helping strangers, or them helping him. (I don’t recall the details. I’m sorry, but this tinnitus outside in the wind causes me to just tune out sometimes. It’s not on purpose. I do care, it’s just hard.) At the end of his quick story, he said something to the effect of how it made him feel good. He had no idea who these people were but he said it was great and that’s just how it should be. People just helping each other get through this wild world, by at least being kind, at a minimum. His theory is that humans are kind by default, and that hate is learned, and so we should just be kind and not teach hate. Simple, right? This explains why there are still hitchhikers. Some people have more faith in that theory than I do.


We had some great conversation around the fire the third night which included music and pop culture stuff which also created a lot of thought content. It was fun to be challenged. It was fun to be open and honest and share opinions without judgement, with strangers. It was fun to spend a measurable amount of time with people who can share their life stories, that are unrelatable. To learn, understand and gain some perspective from other respectful humans. Now, I’m sure you see the photo below and think, “Yeah, a bunch of middle aged privileged white dudes playing in the mountains with their toys. Different my ass”. Well, you’re not wrong, but aside from our skin color and language, we couldn’t be any more different.

I started thinking about the positive human connections that I had made the previous week. Who, after five nights in trucks and tents, if and when shit goes down, I think (at least in my mind) that we’ve got each other’s back and that those five days were enough to form a bond of understanding and respect. I’m going to tell myself that anyways, because that’s the healthier option. Perhaps I’m wrong. If not, oh well. It was cool.



Unfortunately, we’re going to have negative connections along the way as well. That’s just life and they’re unavoidable. We all suffer loss at some point and its heartbreaking and horrible. Parents, friends, children, neighbors, girlfriends, boyfriends, spouses and others of significance are all going to be a part of everyone’s past at some point.
We all have people as characters in our stories that suck. Either by just being rude, negative people or straight up intentional vengeful shitty villains. Every story has them, for better of for worse, like it or not. What’s our story? How do we want people to tell our story? Because they will. What characters do we play in other peoples stories? Who are we to them, in their minds? Do we care? Are we connected? Are we connected enough to care? And if I care, why would I engage in negative connections?

I mean really, what’s the difference? Why the hell do I need to behave a certain way to be judged by an imaginary character to determine my afterlife, when I have actual people here, to demonstrate kindness and love upon. Kinda seems like we should be beyond that by now as religion is now seemingly, just a weaponized, bullshit excuse to be an asshole.

An adventure. Four big kids from different homes, different families, different lives, on an adventure sharing our stories and our feelings along the way to accomplish something most don’t. I hadn’t thought of this connection until about 5 minutes prior to typing this, but my adventure parallels my favorite movie, “Stand By Me”. That’s cool. I love that movie and it brings back a lot of memories. That’s what this shit is about, Positive connections. Either human, physical, emotional, spiritual, natural, whatever. Connections with nature, too. Those rocks and trees told stories too. Those boulders fell and those scars along the Mountain ridges were put there. I want to know those stories.

So I need to break this up a bit for my own sanity. I feel guilty for not doing this as much as I said I would. I know that I said that this blog is mine and I set the expectations, but these are the thought’s that take up space in my head. How often should I post? Do I do one long-ass post? Write a book? Fuck, I dunno. Oh Man, the photos. I have to go through those and edit them first. I can’t just share that shit. Why do I think about this nonsense and let it bother me? Because OTHERS DO, and its real, unfortunately. Why though? I wouldn’t be surprised to see a comment saying “Cool story, man, but your photos are shite”. Like really? And then someone who will say it because I just mentioned it. That was funny when I heard it the first time, when I was seven. Stop it. These are the negative thought trains I jump on sometimes and it’s almost paralyzing.

Dudes.

Four Sundays ago, I woke up in a hammock. That’s a first for me, as surprising as that may seem to some. I’m typically more of a tent guy when it comes to being outdoors but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. I had another first on this day as well a few hours later when I had to dig a cathole to empty the hopper. Let me tell you, I am a changed man.

I made my last entry on September 17th, a day before I was to leave for Act Two of my overlanding trip out in Utah since Act one, back in February, (Two weeks before my ear shit started) was ended abruptly after having some critical vehicle issues. It was fine actually, I got to spend the balance of the time hanging with friends in Colorado and experiencing the Manitou Incline, which I have mixed feelings about. I may revisit that experience at some point in this blog, it was…sumthin’.

If you couldn’t tell, that last post also ended rather abruptly due to another issue, Me. I’d had horrible stress and anxiety the past couple weeks with work and shit. My work load has gotten pretty heavy (or at least heavier than what I’ve been used to) and I have projects with critical milestones that had to be reached while I was gone, as well as a couple active installations, which as a project Manager, always provide some level of stress and anxiety. Add onto that the fact that I wasn’t going to have cell service the next five days and any issue was going directly to my manager. I’ve done this long enough and had spent a good portion of the weekend doing PowerPoints and punch-lists for the teams to cover my ass. What could possibly go wrong, amirite?

Monday was spent confirming receipt of my weekend emails and stuffing any maximum comforts for the next week into my luggage. Like a tent, sleeping bag, sleeping pad, layers of clothes, and gear. All the gear, and accessories that you stuff into any orifice of your bag. You try to put things in places that make sense so you know where they are when you need them, and then when you do need something, you have to empty all your shit anyways and you never remember why it made sense in that moment. and you’re like “That was dumb, I’m gonna put it here next time.” Just to repeat the cycle. Why is packing for a trip so stressful? Like, “oooh, I better make sure I have enough Splenda packets for my morning coffee”. (I’m totally hearing that in my mother’s voice)

My wife kindly chauffeured me and all my shit to O’hare in the afternoon on Monday the 18th, after my last call, so I could sit in the airport and have some time to finish up any last work stuff I could that would help relieve the anxiety before my 5pm flight. Let’s be honest here, we all have it (the anxiety thing). Our minds are rollin’ down those rails, man, and we’re all doin the best we can to keep those cars on track. Some just carry more loads. Some carry different loads, some heavier, some lighter, but we’ve all got em.

Jason picked me up a the airport and we headed to his place where the evening was spent with one of my favorite families, who have been a treasure for my family to find in our life’s journey. We ate pizza, caught up on the latest and greatest and I tried to be as present as I could be while my mind was busy making sure we had “our shit together”. You know what I mean. I could tell Jason was doing the same. He’s also a project manager. He wrestles different animals in his field, but I can get the idea of what it’s like being the zoo keeper in whatever area of the zoo he’s in.

Tuesday was a bit of the same as I was working “remotely remotely”. Making the last minute calls and finishing up before shutting down and packing up whatever of the “Rig” we could. That’s what they call ’em. “Rigs”. Jason’s rig is a 3rd Gen 4Runner.

I slept great in the leather recliner in Jason’s basement. I don’t even bother sleeping in the bed when I’m there because A) I hate making laundry for other people 2) The recliner is comfy as hell and D) there’s no TV in the bedroom. Judge me.

Six am came quickly and we were ready to go. There was a new “Starby’s” two blocks from Jason’s house that I had to hit one last time before breaking the daily habitual. Not habitual coffee, no. Habitual “Starby’s”, yes. Judge me again.

We had about an hour an a half down the road before meeting the other guys, then continuing on down south. Here’s where it starts.

We were to meet at the Circle K in Frisco and top off the fuel before being told to meet across the freeway at the Speedway because the pumps were down. Easy enough. We pulled in and exchanged a wave and a smile with Shane, who I hadn’t seen since I met him back in February for Act One. We jumped out of our trucks and as I reached out a hand for a shake, he grabbed it and pulled me for a hug. Some folks aren’t huggers. I’m not an outward hugger but I’m not put off with it either like some folks. Some people feed off of that positive human connection and I don’t want to deny them of that, because it’s good for me too and Shane’s a good dude…and a hugger.

After the hugging stuff, we got back to the other business. Shane forgot his fucking wallet in his kitchen. No biggie. We spotted him some cash to fill up and it extended our drive about an hour and a half through the Colorado Mountains. “Blessed be the flexible”. I heard that phrase years ago in being involved secondhand, through my wife’s involvement in the Rotary Youth Exchange Program. It’s been beneficial on many occasions in my travels, either for business or pleasure. Perhaps I should learn to apply it elsewhere. Hmph. I’m trying. We had to drive about 40 minutes/miles, whatevs, up to Kremmling so Shane could grab his wallet before we were headed west to catch a different pass onto 70 towards Moab. I got to pet his dogs and I could tell Shane had a bond with ’em as they really didn’t want him to leave. He called them in but they knew what was going to happen once they stepped across that threshold and they didn’t want to see dad leave for another trip. I get it.

Shane works for CDOT and does a lot of overlanding so he knows what’s up. He said ” When we make our way to the end of the highway and make a left, there’s a cool viewing area. I’ve driven by it a couple times a week for a few years and never stopped. I heard it’s pretty.”

Some pretty spot in CO. Down the highway to the left.

That was my fourth pic. I was excited to share with the girls back home. I wanted them to see me happy. I wanted them to see what made me happy. I wanted them to be inspired I guess, like I was feeling at the time. I just wanted to share that, that was all.

It was pretty alright. When we got out of the truck, a gentleman pointed up towards the ridge across the road. I couldn’t hear a damned thing he said but he pointed up the road to a small gathering of observers. “Sheep!” there it was, the ass of a sheep between some trees. Apparently there were a few up there and they were headed up the hill for the afternoon, but were behind some pretty thick trees and I didn’t feel like walking the 50 yds for a clear view. I just turned around and took it in. I was here. I had been looking forward to this trip for months and I got to see THIS and I get to see more for the next 5 days. How awesome is this. And I got to say I saw my first bighorn sheep, or at least ones ass.

We stopped down the road to fill up, make sure we were on the same route, and radios were dialed in. I went in to grab one more cup of swill coffee and empty the good one. I was a bit hungry since I rejected the option for a McDonald’s breakfast and opted for the usual Starbucks. I figured a Honeybun and a sleeve of mini chocolate glazed donuts was exactly what I needed for the journey. That was a bad decision. My guts weren’t havin’ it and it made for a long, uncomfortable drive for a few hours.

Our route took us into Moab from the East through Gateway, CO via the Onion Creek Trail, where we we spent the first evening an hour outside of Moab. By Hour, I mean 7 miles. We weren’t rollin’ fast on those trails. Typically 5-12 mph. Can’t really do over 20 w/ out breaking something or being really uncomfortable.

First evening was great. We found a spot in a designated camping area. There were a couple other parties at other sites but it was about half occupied with fellow adventurers. It was windy and I wanted to get the tent up in the daylight as the guys were getting their rigs settled for the evening, eager to fire up the grill. Shane had grilled ribs a couple days prior and was sending us photos of the process in anticipation. We couldn’t have a campfire but we were prepared with propane grill. The wind had picked up and it got a bit chilly when the sun went down. A propane grill in the cold wind kinda sucks. Those foil-wrapped ribs were slow cookin an inch and a half atop a damned flame. The guys constructed a 3/4-assed “wind screen” out of a folded table and some other heavy stuff. Spare gas cans and stuff off the trucks. Hey, considering the elements and the resources available, they did pretty damned good. Now, I’m sure someone will say “You knew you’d be out in the desert and it’s windy, dipshit”. Yeah, no shit. We all know. This wasn’t a “camping trip”. 100% of the effort is put into the rigs and your goal is to get cool places and get out…on your own. Meals are just sustenance. Quick and easy with a lot of road snacks. It’s heat n’ eat territory out there. We were all looking forward to having a nice meal of ribs and mac n’ cheese. I’ll just leave it there… like Jason left the F’n pot full of mac in the dirt.

Hikers midnight came quickly as we dispersed into our respective sleeping vessels, hoping for a peaceful nights rest.

Thanks for reading and Good Night!

Night one accommodations

Be Kind

-Doug

Therapy and Sobriety

September 17, 2023 / / 0 Comments

Well gwarsh, some of y’all are too kind. Again, I appreciate those that have taken a moment to reach out. It really means a lot. It’s just nice to know that there are people out there that give a damn. The fun part is that you never know who it’s going to be.

Well, it’s been a month since my last entry, that wasn’t my plan. I wanted to do it weekly, but that was just a case of Doug being Doug and not doing anything he doesn’t have to. Sorry. I’ve been “busy”. I don’t mean that as an excuse either. My workload has grown as I have a couple local projects that have begun the installation phased so I’ve spent a number of days on sites. That’s been nice, but I’m back to sitting in traffic again longer than I’d like. Good news though, I’m not as ragey. Swears. I certainly have my moments and at times walk through the door “Rand Road Crabby”, but overall I’ve found my time in the car to be the most peaceful time of the day and I find that time quite enjoyable and beneficial.

Having the radio on, over the hum of the tires or the sound of the traffic, is probably the most beneficial situation for putting the tinnitus on the back burner. It’s so f’n nice. Unfortunately, I don’t function well having music or podcasts on while doing things that require active thought, like work work, housework, or hobbies. Even before having my issues. Earbuds and headphones are for meetings, flights, riding in the car or working out. Oh, they’re also for when you want to be on the phone in the grocery store and you don’t want to hold your phone the 6″ from your face on speaker phone for everyone else to hear, not only ONE, but TWO sides of a conversation nobody gives a shit about. Thanks!

Also, I don’t understand how people can listen to music, especially with lyrics, while reading. I think they’re full of shit. They’re just looking at the words.

I’m writing about this stuff as I started “Sound Therapy” last week to help habituate the tinnitus. Sound therapy uses sounds; calming sounds, such as ocean waves, chimes, bells, and static sounds such as white and pink noise. They can be used in combination with each other as well so for instance, I can put the chimes over the ocean waves and control the volume of each independently to whichever provides the most “soothing” combo. I work with an audiologist

The sound therapy is delivered via a “masker”, which looks like a hearing aid but it just pumps those soothing sounds. I can still hear sounds over that in my good ear, of course, but that’s what’s up. They want a minimum of 4-6 hours/ day which is pretty easy to do. I’m not used to it yet and it’s not a “switch” that turns the tinnitus off when the sound is on. I wish it were that simple. It’s a process of retraining the brain to focus on specific sounds and “ignore” the tinnitus. Now, that’s different than ME ignoring the tinnitus as that’s not entirely possible. You can’t control the thoughts that come into your brain but you can control how you handle them.

The masker is bluetooth too, so it’s like an earbud which is cool, and kinda weird. This thing is so light and I forget about it and it scares me when I get a call. LOL.
They also gave me a cool bluetooth headband to wear when I sleep as well as a little desk side sound machine. Hopefully it helps. I meet with my Audiologist every week and there are even weekly group meetings via zoom where I and other patience can ask questions and share experiences.

So, we’ll see how it goes. I’m optimistic that it will provide me some releif.

I also had my appointment at Loyola Medical in Chicago with the 3rd ENT. All suspicions confirmed. A. I’m fucked 2. There’s hope D. All ENT’s are the same.
Yup, deaf in the left ear and always will be. Begrudgingly accepted. I am still moving forward with the cochlear implant option. This ENT was a bit more informative about this though. Not only will the implant help me hear sounds coming from my left side, but I will also regain some of the sound localization, which is cool. I miss that part. LOL. He said it can also reduce the tinnitus by 85%. Awesome. They also have a very thorough process and evaluation prior to installing this device, which gave me a better feeling about working with Loyola. I don’t know. I guess I need to just be better at learning acceptance.

Aside from that though, nothing’s changed. Anywhere. People still suck. My family still doesn’t get it and people only give a fuck about themselves. It’s a strange strange time and the people that scream “Family” the most are only concerned about putting out the IMAGE of “Family”. I still get a sigh and an “I suppose” when I ask for someone else to drive and I hope the sound therapy doesn’t cost too much” Those are the primary concerns. It’s fuckin’ stupid and I’m clearly in this alone.

I reached my two years of sobriety yesterday, which is cool. Nobody in these four walls seems to give a fuck so I’ll spend today being invisible as well again so that’s cool. Carry on. It’s tiring though constantly being a part of every one else’s world. I “still don’t do anything” around the house and as much as things change, everything stays the same.

-Cheers,

-Doug.

There is No Grace

August 15, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I’ve suspected this for a while but It’s been confirmed. You’ve got one shot in this life and there’s no grace when things go awry. None.

I spent this past weekend in my hometown as we headed up to pick up my oldest daughter from camp and celebrate my brothers 47th birthday. The downtown was hosting an “All Class Reunion” as they’ve done the past few years which is a great time. It’s fun to see old classmates and their families and see how everyone is doing.

Despite my inability to hear and focus, my desire to get out and socialize pulled me out of the house. I took the kids out or dinner then planned to park near my parents and walk to Briq’s Ice Cream, or formerly “Jet’s Dairy Bar” as it was called when I was a kid in Rhinelander, WI.

The All Class reunion overtook the downtown area as Brown Street was full of former Hodags, music and food vendors. There were laughs and smiles everywhere you looked as people were connecting with friends, both old and new.

My new health nonsense has created an issue in that I no longer feel like seeking out conversation. It’s just hard, especially in loud and busy environments. As much as I desired connecting with those I had spent a good portion of my childhood with, I put my head down and avoided as much eye contact as possible as I weaved through the crowd to the top of the street for Ice cream. This was a mistake. What was I thinking?

I saw one of my old friends, Mike, who graduated HS a year ahead of me and I was fortunate to have him as a roommate for a year in college. He’s a solid dude who’s has been a positive influence in the community working for the School District. I had to say hello as I saw him walking down the sidewalk with his father, who I’ve also known for almost as long as I’ve known Mike. What a mistake that was. I could barely understand what he was saying and I could only think about was leaving. How rude. His dad was just standing back a few feet away and as much as I wanted to say “Hi” to Tom, as I did every single time before, I couldn’t. Tom’s an older gentleman and very social. We always joke laugh about how he’d trap you in the grocery store and put his hand on my cart so I couldn’t get away when he was talking. LOL. It was fine. I didn’t mind chatting with Tom, he’s Mike’s dad and he’s just as friendly and personable as his son. I didn’t. I couldn’t. I just wanted to leave.

I saw a couple other classmates and had to keep it short with a “Hey _____ ,Good to see you. Hope all is well” without even really stopping to engage in conversation.

We made it up the street for ice cream. From the top of the hill, I could see the crowd down the street and hear the music. I wanted to be a part of it. I wanted to see old friends and introduce my girls, being the proud dad I am of them. I also wanted to avoid it and take the long walk around back to the truck as I didn’t feel like being social. That’s weird for me as I’m usually not one to shy away from anything.

I felt paranoid too. I couldn’t help but think about what Mike was thinking about. Do I look and sound as weird as I feel? Fuck. If Mike thinks it, I’m sure everyone else does. I just wanted to go home.

My desire to make one last pass down Brown Street won over and we headed back down the hill through the crowd. I’m glad we did. We made it past the band and the noise where it began to thin out and I ran into one of my old buddies, Buzz. What a character this guy is. One of the nicest, most genuine human beings I’ve ever known. I met Buzz through my old neighbor. He’s about 20 years older than me and he worked at the local printing company, where my neighbors father worked with Buzz for decades. My neighbor and I ended up working there for a bit as well a couple summers and hanging over at Buzz’s house with a case of beer was a regular thing. Buzz is Rhinelander through and through and has himself a beautiful family with his wife and his now grown daughters who were just grade schoolers at the time of the regular Mason St. hangs. I had to stop. Buzz was there with his wife and oldest daughter, who I see fairly regularly when I’m downtown while home. She and her husband acquired a piece of old property downtown and have rehabbed it into a nice gathering place, for like showers and parties and shit like that. It was nice, quiet and calm and I could focus and enjoy the conversation. It’s always good to see Buzz doing well. We’re friends on Facebook and he’s always posting these really stupid, yet hella funny memes and I can hear his laugh. The guy hasn’t changed a bit in 20 years, Fumanchu and all. Love it.

I turned in Saturday night fairly early after some trash TV and a coke, like still in the 10pm hour. We stopped at the store on the way home so I could make some flapjacks for the girls in the morning after a paddle on the river with my oldest Brother. I was spent. This shit is exhausting.

I had one of the best nights of sleep I’ve had in about a month. I felt fresh. I felt good. Of course, it doesn’t take long for that feeling to disappear once the focus goes towards the attention whoring headhorn I’ve got going on. Ugh. Here we go. It’s gotta go, right? I have to get up and get moving about my day. I’m an adult with adult responsibilities (which is total bullshit. Not sure you knew that).

Apparently, the coffee pot hadn’t been used since we were last there over the 4th so that was cool. There was a Keurig, but the only cups available were either decaf or mocha. There’s a gas station up the road and they’re coffee will do in a pinch. I’m no coffee snob, but I can’t do swill and this is just a burnt bean from swill. My bro was coming over to paddle with me and I figured he’s want a decent cup of coffee as well. So I dealt with the hot vinegar steam as I cleaned out the moldy coffee pot.

(*Wil, I apologize for not disclosing the moldy coffee pot but hopefully you’re here reading this).

Wil and I paddled up the river and back for about an hour and half. It was perfect. It was calm. The morning haze over the river in the 8 o’clock hour provided enough warmth from the sun like a lite blanket. Shorts and long sleeve t-shirt/hoody weather is my jam. We talked music, politics, family, etc and it wasn’t until pulling the kayak out of the water that I realized I wasn’t thinking about my head. It seemed to match my peace at the moment. I need more of that. I need peace.

I played golf with some of the family that afternoon. My mom, aunt and oldest brother along with his kids joined my other Brother in a round of golf to celebrate his birthday. I struggled a bit.

One of benefits of this issue is that it’s improved my golf game. I shit you not. I almost fell on my face my first time out with this and thought I’d have to hang it up for good. It’s forced me to maintain balance and slow down. I have to keep my head down and control my swing. Weird huh? It works! I’m not perfect, but I definitely have more “good” shots than “bad” now and I feel like I can at least play with anyone, without feeling inadequate. It’s way more fun!

The biggest issue is that I have a hard time tracking my ball. I try and make sure I keep my head down and if I don’t catch the flight of the ball, I have no clue where it’s headed. When I play with the dudes at home, we’re there playing golf and we help each other out tracking balls and looking for the few in the rough. I mistakenly held those same expectations with the family. Looking for golf balls is hard and I get the swirlies pretty quickly when I’m moving my eyes and head back and forth. When I get the swirlies, it’s harder to maintain swing control and it becomes a cycle of frustration that I’m learning to deal with.

After golf we went to my parents for lasagna and birthday cake before starting the long journey back home, which became the longest 5 hours ever, having two sleeping girls in the car and me being stuck in my head.

I can’t do this for long. It’s fucking torture. I can’t sit at my desk and manage projects like I used to. It’s too hard. I have three monitors set up on my desk for drawings, emails, etc and it’s just exhausting after a few minutes and I need to go close my eyes and ground myself for a bit. I can’t focus on calls and I just don’t want to engage with customers, even tho I need to. So what do I do? I just fake it and remain miserable because I’ve got bills. People give a fuck more about making sure bills are paid then actually staying alive. Don’t believe me? Try doing something else. When something like this happens, how do you pivot? I don’t have any other skills, nor the time or desire to incur more debt for school. If I can’t do my normal work activities without difficulty, how do I do school? It’s kinda the same thing. People still have expectations of me to do the things that normal healthy people of my demographic do. Show up and pay the bills. Fine. I have no problem with that. How do I hit the “pause” button and figure it out? Are there resources? Why the hell hasn’t anyone asked about the mental health and occupational impacts of this? I don’t know what to do, or who to turn to. What can I do that I can still maintain my level of income that I’ve been working hard to achieve over the past 20 years? How do I even find out?

A nice long walk into the fucking woods sounds wonderful. Perhaps I can find some grace there, because it doesn’t exist anywhere else.

Be Kind,

-Doug

Thank you

August 10, 2023 / / 0 Comments

“Thank you” to those who have taken the time and made the effort to engage by either taking the time to even read the story, like, heart, comment in support; or slide into my DM’s with information, suggestions, stories, sympathy, or other. There was no “other”, thankfully lol, but I’m sure there may have been, or there was certainly the potential for, “unfortunate” thoughts but I’ll get to that one some other time. It’s definitely on my list.

I take each and every suggestion to heart and I appreciate all of them. The responses indicated to me that it would have made more sense to post the whole “cause of events story” with more detail (https://dougstrid.com/?p=89) prior to the one that precipitated this one, but ok. Here we are and we’re learning. Communicating is hard for me. Christ, it was difficult prior to all of this and now adding in the communication of my feelings and trying to explain something that can’t possibly be simulated is REALLY hard, and fuckin’ weird.

*My minds eye revealed the faces of a few people who I know cast judgement by seeing the word “fuckin'”. That’s really unfortunate that you do that to yourself. We’ll touch on that one later. (The judgement part, not the faces part.) It’s also on my list.

Back to the Melon…

Technically, It is Sensorineural Hearing Loss or SNHL, which includes problems of the inner ear, or cochlea, and/or the auditory nerve that connects the inner ear to the brain. I have zero issues with my ear drum, middle ear or inner ear. I am 100% deaf in my left ear but it only 99% sucks. Lemme explain… There are some instances, with certain company, that I am incredibly fortunate for this super power in which I can make sounds disappear with a slight turn of my head.

Where the arrow points below is where my problem resides. Everything to the left of that Red line is fine.


I also have tinnitus (ringing). Constantly, 24/7 for 157 days now. I have experienced ringing before, many times in the past, but I could still hear. It was super annoying…and fortunately, temporary. It’s not ringing over the top of, or through the sound. It’s just ringing on the left side of my head, no other sounds from the left. It’s freaky sometimes when the ringing fluctuates and I hear other sounds like sirens or like “high hat” cymbals or little popping sounds.

So all of this causes balance issues as well, but the fun part is that the brain is able to recalibrate much of that. There has been a lot of improvement from the first 30 days but it will never be 100%. I roll at about 75-80%. Patterned floors are a bitch but I can still ride my OneWheel, albeit much slower than before.

To best get some sense as best I can describe, take a noise cancelling ear bud, tune into about 3800Hz (https://youtu.be/Rm18S1F24I8) and enjoy!

I’ve seen Two ENT’s, two Audiologists, an Opthamologist, a Neurologists a Neurosurgeon, a Chiropractor and an Acupuncturist, who’s a PHD and has taught Acupuncture and Chinese Herbal Medicine in the Chicagoland for 30 years. I’ve had two MRI’s, a CT, auditory and visual exams as well. At no point, was any physical therapy or exercises even entertained. It’s beyond that.

And do you think I haven’t been down the Youtube or Tiktok rabbit holes, in hopes that somewhere, someone has found the secret to shutting off the fuckin’ headhorn? Of course I have. I’m afraid that I may find it, and it will be something like “In order to cure yourself of horrible ailment, you must insert this object into…”. Damn, no wonder everyone else just chooses to suffer… and the cure aint public. LOL “Ok, No thanks, Man. I’m good! I’ll just try and ignore it” LOL.

Stem cell therapy for this issue isn’t a thing yet either, from what I’ve seen. That’s the most frustrating part is that there is so little information on Tinnitus. I’ve signed up to be on lists for clinical studies as well. I’m down for whatever.

Having this “Headhorn”, it’s as if I’m built more like a tractor/trailer than your standard, two-axle vehicle as my brain being the tractor/ body the trailer (albenow improperly loaded)/ being my head. I’ve gotta work a bit harder to keep ‘er between the lines. Often times, the tractor will decide to take an unexpected off ramp and I’ve got to pause and make sure I’ve got all my shit together and I’m safe to proceed and getting back on the road. (Stop and think about what I was doing as I’m very easily distracted). If I’m doing physical work, the trailer has the advantage and I’ve got to pull into the “Crash Investigation Area”, then get back on the road…if I can and choose to. Like playing pickleball for instance.

If I’ve kept you here this long, thank you. Thank you for your time, as I’ve recently learned to understand and appreciate it to be as precious and valuable as it actually is. I didn’t see this coming and I’m now also living with a constant and varying level of fear and assessing healthy and unhealthy fears and wondering where I will find my next limitation or challenge, then determine how to overcome them. Then typically followed up with assessing whether or not I give a shit enough about overcoming said challenge based on effort/reward ratios.

I have to add this, sadly, because I feel the need to. This isn’t a pity party…completely. And ok, welcome to it! As I stated previously, I’m doing this for me more than anyone and if it’s beneficial to someone along the way, beautiful. That’s exactly how it’s supposed to work, isn’t it?
This isn’t easy for me and I’d much rather be doing just about anything else, normally, as I did prior to March 6th 2023.
I’m not a good communicator. I want to be, and I most importantly NEED to be a better communicator and I think this helps me achieve that. I think better communication can solve a lot of problems and responsibility of effective commutation is equally distributed equally between both the sender and receiver.

It’s also very therapeutic to be my own creator of something IN ADDITION TO being a consumer. It forces me to absorb and process information differently than before. Reading is more difficult after a while with my eyes bouncing across pages causing me to take frequent breaks. Even typing this is a bit of a challenge as well.

Quick update:
I am now in a period where I can now go back and begin the process of a Cochlear Implant if I choose to do so. They (or at least MY ENT’s) encourage patients to wait a good 6-8 Months, as often times the conditions change; Hearing will return to some degree and the tinnitus can sometimes fade or become intermittent in some patients, which can change the types of implants as there are many out there on the market for different things. As my ENT stated that I was “Fucked” (verbatim. LOL), and he was certain it wasn’t coming back I could probably have it already. They’re intrusive and it requires drilling into my skull so I’m really in no rush. LOL.

I’ve also gotten an appointment at Loyola Medical the first week of September and it’s provided me a bit of optimism but I’m trying to manage my expectations.

Going in for another MRI this evening.

Be kind,

-Doug


Two Miles a Day

August 7, 2023 / / 0 Comments

That’s all I’ve got, two miles. Two long and difficult miles for now while I continue to try and figure out a way through this hearing loss/tinnitus/vertigo issue. Running or any other activities that cause my head to “bounce” give me the swirlies and I have to stop for at least an hour or so until I can regain combobulation. I gave Pickleball a try and I found myself on the ground more often than I desired. For a guy who’s had pretty decent balance and body control up to this point, it’s difficult to come to terms with. Looking up is disorienting, even when not engaged in physical activity. I used to love waking through large cities and looking up at the buildings and architecture, watching planes and birds. I still do, but I’m reminded quickly to keep my head down and yes focused. While I can still HEAR airplanes, I’ve lost the ability to identify where abouts the sound is coming from, so if I want to see what kind it is, it requires me to look up longer. It’s a fun game until I’m reminded how miserable I am.

At least a rower provides a means for me to try and maintain some sort of physical health, something that I wish I would have taken more seriously over the past 20 years or so. Being on a rail, on plane, with my eyes focussed forward seems to be the best bet for now but that doesn’t come without it’s challenges.

Over the past few years, I had been interested in Crossfit. I love it, but like everything else in my life, I’m inconsistent. Work, family obligations or shear not wanting to go made me more of a casual Crossfitter, unfortunately.
I always enjoyed the rowing workouts hough, they’re versatile.

A few weeks ago, I went and picked myself up a rower from a nearby gym that was closing. I put it out in the garage, which faces East, so that I could open the door and feel the cool breeze and sunshine on my face. I’ve been listening to some podcasts lately about the positive affects of having sunlight in the eyes to help reset your circadian clock. I THINK it’s having a positive affect. I dunno, maybe I’m just feeling fortunate to see the sun each morning.

I start with a nice stretch and a brief warm-up. Some air squats, jumping jacks or whatever I can do to feel loose is usually sufficient. A few clicks up on the radio volume and on the saddle I go. One mile, or 1600M is my goal, followed by a brief rest and then another mile. The first few days were fine. I was hitting my goals and felt pretty good. I started to feel stronger already and required less rest.

Last Thursday wasn’t fine. The second mile, about 2/3 of the way, something changed. I felt like a waterhead and my skull was a wave pool. The “woosh” sound/feeling from the rower and radio was horrible. My mechanics felt loose, they weren’t. I was feeling like I was going forwards when I was going backwards and vice versa. It sucked. I was at about 700M to go, no but deal, right? Just knock it out and recover, you’ve got this. 600…500…475…465. I felt like I wasn’t going anywhere despite my efforts, and I lost it. I pushed through the tears and frustration to finish in 8:15. I failed.

This isn’t going away any time soon and the though of having to deal with this the rest of my life is fuckin’ depressing. I don’t want to do anything and whatever ADD I may have been dealing with before is now a whole another level of mental fuckery. I forget everything. I’m constantly looking for my keys, phone and wallet and forgetting what I walked into rooms for. It’s a massive distraction.

And yes, toxic positivity is a real thing.

And one day, he just…

June 13, 2023 / / 0 Comments

There’s a lot going on out there. A lot more than I wished as of late. It’s a big world and it moves fast. I’ve spent a better part of my life chasing it and consuming it (and everything else). TBH, I don’t even know what “It” really is. I had to post about it, talk about it, make it seem important and immerse myself in it. I lost myself in it.

On September 16th, I made the choice to be sober. Not GET sober. Be sober. It doesn’t matter what led me to make that decision as there are “war stories” all over the world from alcoholics that parallel one another with many commonalities. The bottom line is that alcohol was preventing me from being the person I wanted to be and my only regret about the decision was that I hadn’t made it when given the first opportunity to do so.
I think I’m a better person than I was, and I am certainly more aware of myself, my behavior, and my actions. I’m more honest with myself. I know when I’m telling myself the same nonsense I told myself in the past, but now I’m strong enough, and knowledgeable enough to work through it… and dog gone it…

But then again, just when I thought I had it all figured, out and was on my way to becoming that man that I wanted to be… *Record scratch

On March 6th, 2023, I woke up around 5:15am with horrible ringing in my left ear. I sat up and put my feet on the floor for a minute before realizing that this wasn’t a typical morning fog. Something was wrong. I stood up, as I’d done almost everyday before heading into the bathroom. As I did, I began to fall forward forcing me to catch myself with my left forearm against the wall. Then right hand on the bed, left hand on the chair and then right hand on the bed again to brace myself as I headed for my morning bathroom routine. I didn’t like that feeling. In that moment, I had flashbacks of having to brace myself stumbling into the bathroom. It wasn’t funny this time. It wasn’t funny any of those other times either but I had a different perspective then.

I stepped into the shower; dizzy, confused and irritated, hoping that it would just stop real quick so I could go about my day without having to deal with this shit. I had to be on a job site where we were constructing a large steel mezzanine for a conveyor sorting system. The drive down was a bit scary. I had figured it was just an inner ear thing as everyone else in the neighborhood was dealing with something likely due to the inconsistent late winter/early spring weather. It was 75 and sunny one day and 45 and rainy the next, so I figured it was just my turn.

About 8am I arrived on site to the sounds of the impact guns and the hammers clanging against the steel columns. It didn’t hurt, there’s no pain. It didn’t sound the same as it did the week before in the same environment. The noise just filled my head. The site foreman came up to me and asked a question, but I could only see his lips moving. He asked me to go upstairs to show me something. I walked up the stairs, holding the hand rail up the 20 or so steps unable hear a f’n word the guy was telling me. I remember having a feeling that I had never felt in that way. I felt unconfident and unsafe. I didn’t have an injured leg, a shiner, or anything that would indicate that I was having trouble in that moment. I stopped to gather myself at the top of the staircase and he looked at me and asked, which I could hear in my right ear, “You ok, Man?” “Yeah, I’m good. Just got this weird inner ear thing goin’ on” I replied. I don’t even remember what he brought me up to ask me. I just brushed it off and told him I’d look into it. I felt myself starting to panic and became self conscious about appearing impaired, and useless. I had to get the hell out of there.

On the way home, I called my wife to explain to her what was going on and that I needed to get in to see someone, stat, as we were leaving for Alabama on spring break that Friday and I had to get it together. It was a long grueling 72 miles home with the vertigo and ringing in my left ear. I just hung out in the right lane (which is very difficult for me) and focused on getting home safely. In that moment, safety for myself and others around me was the priority.

I immediately found the nearest immediate care facility. The nurse came in, took my vitals and all was good. I explained to her my symptoms and we were both in alignment that it was probably an inner ear infection. Sweet. Give me a script and lets knock this out. The doc came in a few minutes later and started his exam. “Open up, squeeze my fingers”, yada yada yada “Lemme take a look in your ear…looks good in there. No inflammation or drainage and everything looks normal. I’m going to give you a referral to an ENT and hopefully you find some answers.” Ya, me too Doc.

I called one of the ENT offices in my network and the soonest I could get in was April 4th. That’s a god damned month away and I’m leaving for the beach. Nope.
Luckily, I have an amazing wife who works in the healthcare field, able to make some phone calls to get me in on Wednesday. I may have to deal with this a few days into vacation now, but whatever, I’m a strong healthy sober dude. I’ve got this.

I’m now on day three at this point and nothing has improved. Ringing, deafness and vertigo of which was bad enough that I questioned my ability to drive to my appointment. Kati’s busy and the kids are at school so I’ll just leave a bit early and take it slow. No Problem.
I arrive at the ENT and he puts me through the same drills. Same results. Only this time, I get a hearing test, of which the results indicate that I have an issue with the auditory nerve based on the volumes and frequencies of sounds I couldn’t hear. I walked out with a ten day script for Prednisone and a prayer. Hopefully, the steroids would reduce any inflammation around the nerve that could potentially be impeding it. He said if that didn’t work I can try an intratympanic injection, where they inject a steroid directly into the eardrum, and to follow-up after vacation. At this point, I’m ready to do it myself.

I didn’t drive a single mile of the journey from Chicagoland to Orange Beach and back. My wife was a road warrior and made sure to get us all there and home safely. I slept a lot of the way. Putting my earBUD in, listening to music or a podcast, and pulling my hood over my head up was the only thing that provided any sort of comfort. I tried to make the best of the trip but it was hard. I spent the majority of it in my head as communicating and being a part of the group in many situations was difficult. It was exhausting.

I contacted my primary care physician the Monday after we returned home and told him what was going on and asked if he had any recommendations. His recommendation was that I get a second opinion. Great, still 24/7 ringing and deaf in the left ear after two full weeks with no answers or plan. What I have learned about myself is that I do not do well with both of those missing variables. Just give me one of them and I’m cool.

I see a third doc (second ENT) recommended by my primary doc. Again, the same thing; same tests, same results. Another hearing test, too, which also provided the same data.
“Yeah man. You’re kinda fucked” he murmured as he looked over the info on his laptop.
I was diagnosed with Sensorineural hearing loss. What caused it? Apparently either a virus that attacked the nerve or a temporary loss of blood flow to the nerve, which starved and killed it.

Sooooo….is that like…a temporary thing? Well, not exactly but they don’t consider it permanent until after one year. Seriously? Sooooo. What about like… the tinnitus?…and the vertigo? That can improve over time, but not guaranteed. The brain can do some crazy calibrating to compensate for the vertigo stuff, which is pretty fascinating. It was exactly Ninety nine days ago today as I type this, and that part is true. Thank goodness. It creeps back on occasion and I’ve tried to pinpoint the triggers but no way. It’s impossible. It just comes and goes as it pleases but it’s more mild. Now, I just feel like a bobblehead at times. Fun stuff.

So now I’ve got a bit more info. More to think about. More info to research and realize that I’m the lucky one to get diagnosed with shit they have no “cure” for of specific root cause of.

I schedule an MRI so the doc can validate his diagnosis and we can start exploring options. There really aren’t many. Either I can do nothing, and either it will improve over time, or I’ll just not give a shit and deal with it. I have neither the patience nor the ability to NOT give a shit about this. So here we go.
I leave with some documentation for different types of cochlear implants, or Baja implants. You know, those little square things on peoples heads behind their ear. I learned that too. Why would I ever talk to someone with one of those on their heads? They clearly have some “issue”. Or at least I had made assumptions and my fear prevented me from finding out.

Following the MRI the next day, I see I have a message in my patient portal that my MRI results are available. How exciting!
Sweet. Per the results, there is no obstruction, inflammation or anything indicating the root cause of the diagnosis.

But wait! There’s more!
A bit further down the page, there’s mention of an “Incidental finding”.
An “incidental finding” is a finding in the image that is not related to the issue I had the MRI order to address.
It read: “There is a high T1 and Intermediate T2 signal lesion seen along the the right side of the optic chiasm on series,5,6,7 and 15 image 12. It measures about 1.0 x .05 cm….Possibly, the lesion represents an intracranial lipoma. This could be confirmed with CT of the head.”

But what about my ear shit? Let’s just table that for now. Seriously. I’m currently waiting it out to see if there are any changes to the ringing/Tinnitus…

*I’m just going to address this now because I’m tired of thinking about it.
Why? WHY!? Whenever I say “I have tinnitus”, the other person responds, “Oh yeah, ringing.” and when I say “I have ringing in my ears, they say “Oh yeah, tinnitus.” Drives me nuckin’ futs!



There it is. The lipoma, in all it’s glory. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I saw an ophthalmologist as well due to the wonderful placement along my optical nerve that the wonderful, all perfect, all loving lord and savior savior placed there for me. They’re tracking my vision now, as the growth may eventually cause some serious problems. Cool beans, Man! Put it on the list!

As of now, it’s a lipoma. I’ve met with a neurologist and a neurosurgeon to help deal with this and that in itself, kinda scares the shit out of me to be honest.

I’m “a literal fathead” as my friend Jason said called me. The docs are about 99% sure it’s a lipoma and if it is, we’ll just continue to observe. It may be something else but not confirmed at this point. I’m as about as concerned with it as the docs are at this point. They don’t seem too concerned and I’m trying to match that energy, but it’s in MY head and I think about it constantly and that 1% chance it’s not just a lipoma. I didn’t think I’d hit on that .0012% chance of the hearing loss lottery either.

I have a CT scan tomorrow, day 100. We’ll see what’s up then.

I wasn’t my best today. I was easily frustrated and irritable and I often show it in less than kind fashion. I’m working on it.

Sitting here with my audience of one helps. I try different ways of coping and I’ve found hammering my thoughts out on a keyboard was beneficial. It certainly helps me unload a lot of shit that’s on my mind, positive or negative.
It’s hard. It’s consuming and it JUST WON’T STOP RINGING.

But anyways, I want to use this space for me. To communicate in a more clear and thoughtful way to those who who I have failed to communicate with effectively, to perhaps lend perspective as one who was once connected to the world in a different way, and to vent.

I will end this post by stating that I don’t think I would be able to deal with this health issue if I were still drinking and that I’m so thankful that I chose to give myself the gift of sobriety. I highly recommend.

Be kind. You don’t know who’s dealing with some shit.

-Doug








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