Well gwarsh, some of y’all are too kind. Again, I appreciate those that have taken a moment to reach out. It really means a lot. It’s just nice to know that there are people out there that give a damn. The fun part is that you never know who it’s going to be.

Well, it’s been a month since my last entry, that wasn’t my plan. I wanted to do it weekly, but that was just a case of Doug being Doug and not doing anything he doesn’t have to. Sorry. I’ve been “busy”. I don’t mean that as an excuse either. My workload has grown as I have a couple local projects that have begun the installation phased so I’ve spent a number of days on sites. That’s been nice, but I’m back to sitting in traffic again longer than I’d like. Good news though, I’m not as ragey. Swears. I certainly have my moments and at times walk through the door “Rand Road Crabby”, but overall I’ve found my time in the car to be the most peaceful time of the day and I find that time quite enjoyable and beneficial.

Having the radio on, over the hum of the tires or the sound of the traffic, is probably the most beneficial situation for putting the tinnitus on the back burner. It’s so f’n nice. Unfortunately, I don’t function well having music or podcasts on while doing things that require active thought, like work work, housework, or hobbies. Even before having my issues. Earbuds and headphones are for meetings, flights, riding in the car or working out. Oh, they’re also for when you want to be on the phone in the grocery store and you don’t want to hold your phone the 6″ from your face on speaker phone for everyone else to hear, not only ONE, but TWO sides of a conversation nobody gives a shit about. Thanks!

Also, I don’t understand how people can listen to music, especially with lyrics, while reading. I think they’re full of shit. They’re just looking at the words.

I’m writing about this stuff as I started “Sound Therapy” last week to help habituate the tinnitus. Sound therapy uses sounds; calming sounds, such as ocean waves, chimes, bells, and static sounds such as white and pink noise. They can be used in combination with each other as well so for instance, I can put the chimes over the ocean waves and control the volume of each independently to whichever provides the most “soothing” combo. I work with an audiologist

The sound therapy is delivered via a “masker”, which looks like a hearing aid but it just pumps those soothing sounds. I can still hear sounds over that in my good ear, of course, but that’s what’s up. They want a minimum of 4-6 hours/ day which is pretty easy to do. I’m not used to it yet and it’s not a “switch” that turns the tinnitus off when the sound is on. I wish it were that simple. It’s a process of retraining the brain to focus on specific sounds and “ignore” the tinnitus. Now, that’s different than ME ignoring the tinnitus as that’s not entirely possible. You can’t control the thoughts that come into your brain but you can control how you handle them.

The masker is bluetooth too, so it’s like an earbud which is cool, and kinda weird. This thing is so light and I forget about it and it scares me when I get a call. LOL.
They also gave me a cool bluetooth headband to wear when I sleep as well as a little desk side sound machine. Hopefully it helps. I meet with my Audiologist every week and there are even weekly group meetings via zoom where I and other patience can ask questions and share experiences.

So, we’ll see how it goes. I’m optimistic that it will provide me some releif.

I also had my appointment at Loyola Medical in Chicago with the 3rd ENT. All suspicions confirmed. A. I’m fucked 2. There’s hope D. All ENT’s are the same.
Yup, deaf in the left ear and always will be. Begrudgingly accepted. I am still moving forward with the cochlear implant option. This ENT was a bit more informative about this though. Not only will the implant help me hear sounds coming from my left side, but I will also regain some of the sound localization, which is cool. I miss that part. LOL. He said it can also reduce the tinnitus by 85%. Awesome. They also have a very thorough process and evaluation prior to installing this device, which gave me a better feeling about working with Loyola. I don’t know. I guess I need to just be better at learning acceptance.

Aside from that though, nothing’s changed. Anywhere. People still suck. My family still doesn’t get it and people only give a fuck about themselves. It’s a strange strange time and the people that scream “Family” the most are only concerned about putting out the IMAGE of “Family”. I still get a sigh and an “I suppose” when I ask for someone else to drive and I hope the sound therapy doesn’t cost too much” Those are the primary concerns. It’s fuckin’ stupid and I’m clearly in this alone.

I reached my two years of sobriety yesterday, which is cool. Nobody in these four walls seems to give a fuck so I’ll spend today being invisible as well again so that’s cool. Carry on. It’s tiring though constantly being a part of every one else’s world. I “still don’t do anything” around the house and as much as things change, everything stays the same.

-Cheers,

-Doug.