Tag: Journal

There’s a lot going on out there. A lot more than I wished as of late. It’s a big world and it moves fast. I’ve spent a better part of my life chasing it and consuming it (and everything else). TBH, I don’t even know what “It” really is. I had to post about it, talk about it, make it seem important and immerse myself in it. I lost myself in it.

On September 16th, I made the choice to be sober. Not GET sober. Be sober. It doesn’t matter what led me to make that decision as there are “war stories” all over the world from alcoholics that parallel one another with many commonalities. The bottom line is that alcohol was preventing me from being the person I wanted to be and my only regret about the decision was that I hadn’t made it when given the first opportunity to do so.
I think I’m a better person than I was, and I am certainly more aware of myself, my behavior, and my actions. I’m more honest with myself. I know when I’m telling myself the same nonsense I told myself in the past, but now I’m strong enough, and knowledgeable enough to work through it… and dog gone it…

But then again, just when I thought I had it all figured, out and was on my way to becoming that man that I wanted to be… *Record scratch

On March 6th, 2023, I woke up around 5:15am with horrible ringing in my left ear. I sat up and put my feet on the floor for a minute before realizing that this wasn’t a typical morning fog. Something was wrong. I stood up, as I’d done almost everyday before heading into the bathroom. As I did, I began to fall forward forcing me to catch myself with my left forearm against the wall. Then right hand on the bed, left hand on the chair and then right hand on the bed again to brace myself as I headed for my morning bathroom routine. I didn’t like that feeling. In that moment, I had flashbacks of having to brace myself stumbling into the bathroom. It wasn’t funny this time. It wasn’t funny any of those other times either but I had a different perspective then.

I stepped into the shower; dizzy, confused and irritated, hoping that it would just stop real quick so I could go about my day without having to deal with this shit. I had to be on a job site where we were constructing a large steel mezzanine for a conveyor sorting system. The drive down was a bit scary. I had figured it was just an inner ear thing as everyone else in the neighborhood was dealing with something likely due to the inconsistent late winter/early spring weather. It was 75 and sunny one day and 45 and rainy the next, so I figured it was just my turn.

About 8am I arrived on site to the sounds of the impact guns and the hammers clanging against the steel columns. It didn’t hurt, there’s no pain. It didn’t sound the same as it did the week before in the same environment. The noise just filled my head. The site foreman came up to me and asked a question, but I could only see his lips moving. He asked me to go upstairs to show me something. I walked up the stairs, holding the hand rail up the 20 or so steps unable hear a f’n word the guy was telling me. I remember having a feeling that I had never felt in that way. I felt unconfident and unsafe. I didn’t have an injured leg, a shiner, or anything that would indicate that I was having trouble in that moment. I stopped to gather myself at the top of the staircase and he looked at me and asked, which I could hear in my right ear, “You ok, Man?” “Yeah, I’m good. Just got this weird inner ear thing goin’ on” I replied. I don’t even remember what he brought me up to ask me. I just brushed it off and told him I’d look into it. I felt myself starting to panic and became self conscious about appearing impaired, and useless. I had to get the hell out of there.

On the way home, I called my wife to explain to her what was going on and that I needed to get in to see someone, stat, as we were leaving for Alabama on spring break that Friday and I had to get it together. It was a long grueling 72 miles home with the vertigo and ringing in my left ear. I just hung out in the right lane (which is very difficult for me) and focused on getting home safely. In that moment, safety for myself and others around me was the priority.

I immediately found the nearest immediate care facility. The nurse came in, took my vitals and all was good. I explained to her my symptoms and we were both in alignment that it was probably an inner ear infection. Sweet. Give me a script and lets knock this out. The doc came in a few minutes later and started his exam. “Open up, squeeze my fingers”, yada yada yada “Lemme take a look in your ear…looks good in there. No inflammation or drainage and everything looks normal. I’m going to give you a referral to an ENT and hopefully you find some answers.” Ya, me too Doc.

I called one of the ENT offices in my network and the soonest I could get in was April 4th. That’s a god damned month away and I’m leaving for the beach. Nope.
Luckily, I have an amazing wife who works in the healthcare field, able to make some phone calls to get me in on Wednesday. I may have to deal with this a few days into vacation now, but whatever, I’m a strong healthy sober dude. I’ve got this.

I’m now on day three at this point and nothing has improved. Ringing, deafness and vertigo of which was bad enough that I questioned my ability to drive to my appointment. Kati’s busy and the kids are at school so I’ll just leave a bit early and take it slow. No Problem.
I arrive at the ENT and he puts me through the same drills. Same results. Only this time, I get a hearing test, of which the results indicate that I have an issue with the auditory nerve based on the volumes and frequencies of sounds I couldn’t hear. I walked out with a ten day script for Prednisone and a prayer. Hopefully, the steroids would reduce any inflammation around the nerve that could potentially be impeding it. He said if that didn’t work I can try an intratympanic injection, where they inject a steroid directly into the eardrum, and to follow-up after vacation. At this point, I’m ready to do it myself.

I didn’t drive a single mile of the journey from Chicagoland to Orange Beach and back. My wife was a road warrior and made sure to get us all there and home safely. I slept a lot of the way. Putting my earBUD in, listening to music or a podcast, and pulling my hood over my head up was the only thing that provided any sort of comfort. I tried to make the best of the trip but it was hard. I spent the majority of it in my head as communicating and being a part of the group in many situations was difficult. It was exhausting.

I contacted my primary care physician the Monday after we returned home and told him what was going on and asked if he had any recommendations. His recommendation was that I get a second opinion. Great, still 24/7 ringing and deaf in the left ear after two full weeks with no answers or plan. What I have learned about myself is that I do not do well with both of those missing variables. Just give me one of them and I’m cool.

I see a third doc (second ENT) recommended by my primary doc. Again, the same thing; same tests, same results. Another hearing test, too, which also provided the same data.
“Yeah man. You’re kinda fucked” he murmured as he looked over the info on his laptop.
I was diagnosed with Sensorineural hearing loss. What caused it? Apparently either a virus that attacked the nerve or a temporary loss of blood flow to the nerve, which starved and killed it.

Sooooo….is that like…a temporary thing? Well, not exactly but they don’t consider it permanent until after one year. Seriously? Sooooo. What about like… the tinnitus?…and the vertigo? That can improve over time, but not guaranteed. The brain can do some crazy calibrating to compensate for the vertigo stuff, which is pretty fascinating. It was exactly Ninety nine days ago today as I type this, and that part is true. Thank goodness. It creeps back on occasion and I’ve tried to pinpoint the triggers but no way. It’s impossible. It just comes and goes as it pleases but it’s more mild. Now, I just feel like a bobblehead at times. Fun stuff.

So now I’ve got a bit more info. More to think about. More info to research and realize that I’m the lucky one to get diagnosed with shit they have no “cure” for of specific root cause of.

I schedule an MRI so the doc can validate his diagnosis and we can start exploring options. There really aren’t many. Either I can do nothing, and either it will improve over time, or I’ll just not give a shit and deal with it. I have neither the patience nor the ability to NOT give a shit about this. So here we go.
I leave with some documentation for different types of cochlear implants, or Baja implants. You know, those little square things on peoples heads behind their ear. I learned that too. Why would I ever talk to someone with one of those on their heads? They clearly have some “issue”. Or at least I had made assumptions and my fear prevented me from finding out.

Following the MRI the next day, I see I have a message in my patient portal that my MRI results are available. How exciting!
Sweet. Per the results, there is no obstruction, inflammation or anything indicating the root cause of the diagnosis.

But wait! There’s more!
A bit further down the page, there’s mention of an “Incidental finding”.
An “incidental finding” is a finding in the image that is not related to the issue I had the MRI order to address.
It read: “There is a high T1 and Intermediate T2 signal lesion seen along the the right side of the optic chiasm on series,5,6,7 and 15 image 12. It measures about 1.0 x .05 cm….Possibly, the lesion represents an intracranial lipoma. This could be confirmed with CT of the head.”

But what about my ear shit? Let’s just table that for now. Seriously. I’m currently waiting it out to see if there are any changes to the ringing/Tinnitus…

*I’m just going to address this now because I’m tired of thinking about it.
Why? WHY!? Whenever I say “I have tinnitus”, the other person responds, “Oh yeah, ringing.” and when I say “I have ringing in my ears, they say “Oh yeah, tinnitus.” Drives me nuckin’ futs!

There it is. The lipoma, in all it’s glory. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I saw an ophthalmologist as well due to the wonderful placement along my optical nerve that the wonderful, all perfect, all loving lord and savior savior placed there for me. They’re tracking my vision now, as the growth may eventually cause some serious problems. Cool beans, Man! Put it on the list!

As of now, it’s a lipoma. I’ve met with a neurologist and a neurosurgeon to help deal with this and that in itself, kinda scares the shit out of me to be honest.

I’m “a literal fathead” as my friend Jason said called me. The docs are about 99% sure it’s a lipoma and if it is, we’ll just continue to observe. It may be something else but not confirmed at this point. I’m as about as concerned with it as the docs are at this point. They don’t seem too concerned and I’m trying to match that energy, but it’s in MY head and I think about it constantly and that 1% chance it’s not just a lipoma. I didn’t think I’d hit on that .0012% chance of the hearing loss lottery either.

I have a CT scan tomorrow, day 100. We’ll see what’s up then.

I wasn’t my best today. I was easily frustrated and irritable and I often show it in less than kind fashion. I’m working on it.

Sitting here with my audience of one helps. I try different ways of coping and I’ve found hammering my thoughts out on a keyboard was beneficial. It certainly helps me unload a lot of shit that’s on my mind, positive or negative.
It’s hard. It’s consuming and it JUST WON’T STOP RINGING.

But anyways, I want to use this space for me. To communicate in a more clear and thoughtful way to those who who I have failed to communicate with effectively, to perhaps lend perspective as one who was once connected to the world in a different way, and to vent.

I will end this post by stating that I don’t think I would be able to deal with this health issue if I were still drinking and that I’m so thankful that I chose to give myself the gift of sobriety. I highly recommend.

Be kind. You don’t know who’s dealing with some shit.

-Doug